Dissapointment at year 2012

Dear blog,
i had my downs at the end of 2011 due to finding uni. getting rejected by all the uni's to do med has obviously lead to depression and at times i felt suicide was my only option.
 At i had a chance to do my foundation to do at president and that was the time when i received a call frm lincoln saying i got accepted there. they somehow said mmc will approve. I lead a happy normal,stressed student life, but i was enjoying. i hate the place at first but as time goes by and i was settling in adjusting student med life and remarkable 19 friends, i was so delighted until my dreams were shattered after 2 months + when the dean called me and my friend and said mmc didn't approve.
I knew my fucked up life b4 has arrived. I was in despair and so is my friend. They cheated on us so easily. and now my quest to search for a uni and gaining a chance has started. i feel so dumb and suiciding. friends are crying over the phone as both of us are leaving.
Why god why? i know this is a test for me from u but pls do not make it so hard. i am hoping for a local uni. the thought of going overseas kills especially going to countries such as indonesia and russia. i don't want to go. i can't bare living my family settling there for the next 5 years.

Now i am going to do smtg about this and hopefully i get a seat at mahsa pls. that is all i am hoping for!
i have not been talking to my friends and have deactivated fb and my fucking granny is calling and gonna scold me. i have been telling my friends i am sick. and gosh!! D i have feelings for D but bc of this problem i don't want to tell him and i guess he is never gonna text me again with the hope of me texting him. but seriously maybe this is the best for both of us.

Wish

That one wish is for me to skype with him today but looks like it won't happen -____-

I rejected him but now i love him

Dear blog,
its been a really long time i didn't blog. well finally accepted into lincoln. After so much of hassle i finally am studying medical. Lovely field but requires a lot of hard work. People there are extremely nice. Still need to make friends tho. okay so today done with biochem. Not so easy but yeah i was new so my marks was not taken into account.

 Okay so this guy from tuition days proposed to me through fb. pfffft i knw proposing through fb is a major turn off~~~ but i get it he's shy and just broke up with another girl.  ( FYI SHE WAS A BITCH) but he likes me from last time. and i actually rejected him.

  now im regretting it. i love him. we always skype about once a week. its been long he didn't watsapp. i mean total moron i tell u. hasn't he been thinking of me? :o i'm scared im falling for him n he might forget me :'(
its a silly mistake i'm afraid to commit and talking bout meeting him and all. my parents will skin me alive if they find out. but i can't stop thinking of him!!!
all the time, wake up, during the day, sleep. wtf? i know this will cause me in trouble (studies ,driving,etc) but hey i can't help it. its not easy :(

 anyway i decided to tell K the guy that liked me b4 which apparently now is my best guyfren. i think i just broke his heart because i told i like the tuition guy. Ok rephrase i didn't say that. i said i regretted rejecting him. after talking to K he somehow gave an excuse n wanted to hung up :/ i feel like a bitch since he's my friend. i broke his heart :( but hey he likes so many girls b4 me. i think he will overcome, right? right? ohh god !!!!

My STUCK UNIVERSITY

  Well im still stuck while my friends is in melaka manipal i m here stuck without a uni because of my fucking low atar in ausmat -____________- 

oh well uncle is helping now. n i will only know at the end of this week. i hope i get into perak or penang. pls. god. i really dowana go overseas. pls

true love does not exist

Dear blog,
i am so not interested in love whether i feel pressured at times. my friends have bf while im single but not available.
I mean i'm waiting for the right one to come out. someone handsome, stylish, rich and romantic,loving, crazily in love with me <3
but hello all this is like what the hell...there's no one like that. someone who loves to give me flowers, rock diving, riding a horse. someone which i can proudly show and ppl will be envy.
I M SO NOT A POPULAR GIRL AT SCHOOL. but i bet if i have one and tell anyone i'm in a relationship. they will be curious and dying to know who is this quiet and single girl dating.
but life isn't easy. its not like all those romantic story where the guys are hot,perfect, and loving,romantic..
Guess i will be single for my whole life or probably forced into an arranged marriage.HUH BORING
i just wish there is one out there. loves me dance salsa on a cruise, buys for me everything and overpouring happiness and love :) haihh dream that i doubt will come true. Nobody's perfect!

applying for uni with a low atar

Dear blog,
i am totally depressed. haihh sad. i had an atar of 74.15 and i can't seem to apply anywhere.
IMU said no they need an atar of 85
monash said no. they need 97.5

as soon as this 2 unis rejected me i was down. LIKE TOTALLY DOWN
i have to spend another 8 months doing foundation in science at mahsa since they rejected my application!!! they said they need 65 for each 3 subjects!!! fuck la
where the hell is that possible!!!!!!!!!!!!! i mean this is AUSMAT getting 65 for each sub is not easy for heaven sake!!!
i just don't know why... maybe i am gonna get rejected for everything!
i feel so sad. i had just done my ielts and im feeling extremely down
one after another rejection
and my hope was mahsa...and they turned me down
damn sad..
i cry everyday and regret taking ausmat
NEVER TAKE IT. ITS A WASTE OF TIME AND MONEY AND ONLY MAKES IT COMPLICATED
fuck la!!!!!!!!!!!!!! haihh my dad is sulking and my mum is down and they both are argueing about me!!!
i just cant take it...i feel like dying at times.
my only hope is my uncle and i hope he won't let me down at all. pls god don't be so mean to me :'(
fine if not mahsa pls MSU
or else UCSI OR CYBERJAYA PLS PLS PLS PLS PLS :'(

end of ausmat~ low atar

So results were out on the 29th of dec (supposedly) but it was out on the 28th evening!!! so i was hesitant. scary of course. i saw everyone status on fb. there were those who scored and those who did badly and those who still does not want to check like me. So finally i had the balls to check.

  it was around 10 smtg when i decided to check and i had a fucking marks who fucked up my life. i studied hard and i had a low atar. i only had 74.15!!! what the fuck?!? i was devastated. not even >75
and i checked my marks i sucked in my chem only 49.8 and maths 52.1 and it was D
so 2 D!!!fucked up